Vanilla Beer - Artist

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Martinique Series - Food Paintings - Art for Sale
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Prenez Mangez et Vivez Book
Relics - Clay - Fossils - War
Silent Spaces CDs
Peacock University

This is Not a Competition was a questionnaire left out on tables at TJ’s in Woolwich for guests to play with at the party to conclude the third year of Woolwich Arts Group.

No-one was given time to consider their answers.
No-one was told what the questions were for.
Here is a selection of the answers.

    1.What is your favourite Law?
  • Dennis
  • Wine before beer makes you feel queer, beer before wine you’ll be fine.
  • The Unwritten Law
  • No person may cross Winns Common with a dirty face
  • Freedom
  • There are so many, I cannot decide
  • Thy shalt not
  • The Law of Gravity
  • Burglary - 1873 Act
  • Common Law
  • Sanctity
  • The Law of The Jungle
  • The Law forbidding children with webbed feet to have spots.
    2.How do you Spell Allelujia?
  • Badly.
  • With difficulty.
  • Without an l.
  • Better.
  • Ye-hah!
  • Please leave to your own discretion?
  • Anyway I like - who would know the difference?
  • Nice One.
  • Don’t know.
  • Hells Bells.
  • Hal o
    e o Y
    y l A
    3.What is Blue?
  • That cold smell of daffodills.
  • The sky, the sea, my lover’s eyes.
  • My favourite colour.
  • The colour of my bruised eyes.
  • The Sea.
  • A Colour and A Word.
  • A Tranquil colour.
  • A Colour, a Mood.
  • Everton FC.
  • Eulb backwards.
  • My wifes kettle.
  • Blue.
  • Orange.
  • Anything not red or yellow.
    4. What is climbing sand like?
  • Walking through sand.
  • Small and insidious.
  • Worse.
  • Climbing earth only more yellow.
  • Inflation - Time (the anthropology of).
  • Not climbing.
  • A long old trek especially if you’re an ant.
  • Space.
  • Signing on.
  • A brillo pad.
  • Nothing (sand doesn’t climb).
  • A bastard.
  • Tricky.
  • Clawing up glass.
  • Dancing in an egg-timer.
    5.What is a Lifestyle?
  • A habit that needs examining.
  • Interior design.
  • Society’s way of pigeon holing you.
  • This.
  • Something people without a life do instead.
  • Fashion.
  • Mine.
  • Insectism
  • . A Commitment.
  • Living.
  • Varies according to your credentials.
  • Women’s Magazine.
  • Hair.
  • Poohboat wet lick float bit.
    6.Is this a Poem?
  • - Perhaps it’s a performance poem. Doesn’t quite work on the page.
  • Am I a poet?
  • Alright.
  • On it’s own this is not.
  • No, it doesn’t rhyme.
  • If you want.
  • No.
  • Is this?
  • Has it got rhyming couplets?
  • Yes.
  • No, it’s a statement.
  • ‘This’ is only a word.
  • An Ode.
  • According to Walt Whitman.
  • Is this a poem poemney.
    7.Who is God?
  • The kozmic apple tree.
  • The sticky love-stuff that holds us all together.
  • John Lennon
  • Who is not?
  • Walt Whitman.
  • God knows.
  • Nethervoid.
  • My dyslexic dog.
  • He’s behind you.
  • Me.
  • Not who 'what'
  • N/A
  • No-one I know.
  • You. No, me. No.
  • My Dad.
    8.Where is your heart?
  • In my boots.
  • Left Right Left
  • In my background and experience.
  • In my home.
  • Left it in Sam Franks Disco.
  • On me chest.
  • Up your sleeve.
  • With my Soul.
  • Ribcage.
  • In a lead casket at the bottom of the sea.
  • Beaten into a raspberry sorbet.
  • On top of the tele.
  • In market research.
    9. How do you say Hello?
  • Happily.
  • Holla!
  • ’ello.
  • With expression.
  • Howdy.
  • Morning.
  • With my vocal chords, a little breath and strange movements of my mouth.
  • From the corner of your mouth.
  • Far out - Wow.
  • With a smile.
  • Raised eyebrows.
  • Hi.
  • G’day.
  • Fuck you.
  • Ow do you do?
  • With dynamic tenderness.
  • Before the bit that precedes goodbye.
    10. What is the most meaningless word?
  • No.
  • Sorry?
  • Sorry.
  • Word.
  • Meaningless.
  • Liverpool.
  • Nice.
  • Antidisestablishmentarianism.
  • God.
  • (Recently) Respect.
  • Trip.
  • Hello
  • Plethora
  • ’ello.
  • Help.
  • Poohboat.
  • Silence.
  • Lisp.
    11. Is Elegance Possible?
  • Covertly.
  • Only for me.
  • You tell me.
  • No, ‘elegance’ and ‘possible’ are different words.
  • In any shape or form.
  • Only if you’re wearing the right dress.
  • If you can afford not to have it.
  • Maybe.
  • Yes.
  • Perhaps.
  • Not in this lifestyle.
  • Rich fuck.
  • Not if you get vertigo.
  • All things are possible in this best of all possible worlds.
    12. Is there a pre-life?
  • Yes and No.
  • What is ‘Karma’ - it is real!
  • Yes.
  • 9 months.
  • Probably.
  • Only if there’s time.
  • Is there a post-life?
  • Tell you after.
  • - I’m sure I’ve been here before.
  • Maybe.
  • In Vitrio.
  • After.
  • I was in God’s pocket before hitting earth.
  • Only if there is a life.
    13. How many Feet have You?
  • One.
  • 7. 2 at the end of my legs and 5 in height.
  • 6 (almost)
  • Am I dancing.
  • 6 x 2
  • 2
  • 2(2/3 yd each)
  • Too many
  • That’s a very personal question.
  • It’s a secret.
  • 2 bloody obvious.
  • 6 ½.
  • 99 clomp.
  • 16, I think - I can’t use them all at once.
    14. Can You Reach the Moon? If so, How?
  • By sliding on a moonbeam.
  • No, I’d drown.
  • I use a ladder.
  • Stretch out your hand.
  • No.
  • Touch it. (Knowledge dispels fear)
  • Yes - Levitation.
  • Yes, tiptoe.
  • Been there in an out of body experience.
  • Yes, in a space rocket.
  • 53 bus.
  • Yes, with my mind.
  • Through binoculars.
  • By wishing hard.
  • If a cow can.
  • Length.
  • Scottie beams me up.
    15. How would you describe your lover’s hair underwater?
  • Clean.
  • Something I’d like to see.
  • Urgently.
  • Undulating.
  • Wet.
  • With serious risk of drowning.
  • Charles 11.
  • Seaweed.
  • Erotic.
  • Bald.
  • Like a sheet.
  • Beaver.
  • N/A.
  • A tragic mnemonic.
    16. What is a security risk?
  • Technology.
  • Too many Laws.
  • Speaking your mind in a meeting.
  • A bank - an employer - a government.
  • A bad friend.
  • Bad-tempered bouncers.
  • Group 5.
  • Me.
  • My front door.
  • No beer.
  • A big mouth.
  • Leaving a window open when you’re not expecting a man.
  • I am.
  • A padlock
  • . Ponting/Pontius.
  • A leaky brain.
    17. What is Seriously Rich?
  • You/them.
  • Not me.
  • Richard Fucking Branson.
  • Chocolate (Maya Gold).
  • Buckingham palace.
  • 500K per annum.
  • Cake and chocolate.
  • Mollasses.
  • Almost there.
  • Anyone with too much money.
  • MORVANIGOT
  • Being able to do whatever you want - whenever
  • Sultan of Brunei - The Queen.
  • Cheese.
  • What will happen next year.
  • Cliff Richard.
    18. What is your name?
  • Not God’s.
  • Barrie.
  • Gracie
  • Paul (hi)
  • Diane - always
  • Temporary Label
  • Paul
  • John
  • The Soup King
  • Boris
  • Jason
  • Andrew
  • Maggie
  • Daniel Love Peacock
  • Satan
  • My Secret
  • Me/Us
  • I am the darkness.
  • Pope Bart Simpson the first.
  • Nilz
  • Blair (lionel)
    19. Can we Publish these Answers in a Surrealist Fashion?
  • Half past three.
  • Yes but No
  • Of course you can
  • Yes siree!
  • Yes
  • Oh yes.
  • Only on a phychedelic background.
  • If you want to.
  • Yep.
  • Maybe.
  • Absomently.
  • Probably.
  • Yes. I love the film ‘Delicatessan’!
  • If there’s money in it.
  • Yo!
  • Can we do anything?
  • How would I know?
  • Yellow Yes.